Charmander, Breaker of Worlds

Charmander is a tiny Guinnea pig with a big personality. He belongs to my son, who kept him in his room. After a couple of years we decided to move him out to the den. It was here I finally noticed his burgeoning personality.

I wanted to teach him a trick. Pigs are big-time whistlers, so I whistled in a staccato fashion every time I brought him a special treat, such as a vegetable. Very quickly he picked up on the trick and would chirp back loudly any time I whistled that I had food.

I usually gave him the ends of celery and small bits of peppers. He really likes celery leaves. He likes them so much, I saw that he shakes them voraciously, like a terrier pouncing on a rat or a T. rex shredding another dinosaur to pieces. The point is, it’s a very carnivore-inspired movement. I mean REALLY carnivorous. I imagined as a prey animal that Charmander was at first jealous of other predators and their power. I mean, if you tried to pet him, the little guy usually ran away to hide in a corner.

But if you fed him a veggie, he was suddenly Charmander, Breaker of Worlds. Thrasher of Vegetables. He would tear them apart. I’ve begun to think that he has the ultimate inferiority complex. I interpret his whistles as declarations of “The Night is Dark and Full of Terrors!” and “Fear ME!”

At night when he’s making all his noise running around his cage because he’s a nocturnal animal and his nocturnal mechanations are disturbing my wife to the point she wants to ask about it, I’ve taken to saying that Charmander is plotting to take over the world. Yes, that’s right. At least in this household, Charmander is The Brain.

FEAR ME!!!!

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